Happy Thursday folks! I started writing a post about cooking a whole chicken straight out of the freezer. But then I forgot to take pictures of the process. And sometimes you just need a break from all the foodstuffs, you know? and this isn’t just a food blog either!
Anyways, I thought it might be fun to do a mini series on healthy relationships. I want to explore all kinds of relationships, whether it’s romantic, friendship, familial, etc. For today’s post, I will be kicking it off with Romantic relationships.
What makes me an authority to talk about healthy romantic relationships, you may be wondering. I’m not a family therapist, and naturally my relationship isn’t all sunshine and roses. But I worked as a Probation Officer specializing in Domestic Violence, in which I taught my clients how to achieve healthier relationships with themselves and their partners. I’ve also taken some of the information I’ve shared with my clients and applied it within my own relationship, so I like to think I know SOME things about relationships. So let’s jump right in, shall we?
Trust and Honesty
Trust is never given. It is earned. (R. Williams)
A lot of what I saw during my time as a Probation Officer in the realm of Domestic Violence was violence as a result of betrayal of trust. Whether it was due to a partner being caught cheating on the other, or trust issues as a result of baggage from previous relationships. A lack of trust in a relationship almost always results in arguments, and in some unfortunate cases, violence. One of the biggest contributors to trust issues in relationships? Facebook.
So a lot of what we teach our clients who struggle with trust in their relationships, is to build trust through being honest, and to follow through with whatever it is you say you’re doing. This is pretty straight forward.
Example: I plan on going out to a friend’s house, and I plan to stay there until 9 PM. I tell my spouse this plan.
Scenario 1: I DON’T end up going to my friend’s house and instead meet some other friends at the nightclub. I stay out until midnight. I don’t text or call my spouse about the change of plans and he starts to worry about me after I haven’t returned home at the time I said I would. He tries to call me but because the nightclub is so loud, I don’t hear the ringing. So he calls my friend who tells him that I did not go to her place. When I do return home, an argument starts because he realizes I was safe and he worried for nothing for several hours. He’s also upset that I lied to him. I tell him he’s being unreasonable and it’s “not a big deal”. One or both of us go to bed angry.
Scenario 2: I go to my friend’s house and I stay until 9 pm. I return home and my spouse and I carry on with no incident.
If you can honestly communicate with your partner, you will build trust in your relationship. This doesn’t just apply to letting your partner know what you’re doing and when they can expect you either. This is also about being honest about your….feelings.
But while it’s important to be honest about what you’re feeling with your partner, I dare say it’s more important to be honest with yourself. Take some time to reflect on your feelings from time to time. Do it alone or discuss it with your bestie (as long as they’re not going to be bashing your partner).
Finally, be honest about your own strengths and weaknesses. Never assume you have no more room for growth. Because, trust me, you do.
I once had a client that told me he had nothing more to work on. He was “good” with who he was. I wish I was as perfect as this guy that was on Probation. But seriously, this was a guy that had ZERO self-awareness. This guy continued to drink heavily and utilize controlling behaviours against his partner. Please, for the love you have for your partner, be honest with yourself and address your issues. Mine is shutting down when I’m upset with something my husband says or does. I recognize this as a problem (see communication) and so this is something I’m actively trying to work on.
The Single Biggest Problem in Communication is the Illusion that it has taken place.
(George Bernard Shaw)
All of my clients struggled with communication. Both men and women struggle with this. Do you ever kick yourself after you didn’t say something when you know you should have? Well think about not saying anything in a romantic relationship for months. Your partner calls all the shots and you go along with it because it’s easier than a confrontation. And after a few months of this, you start to feel annoyed. So you start making passive aggressive digs at your partner. This eventually starts to lead to arguments because your partner grows tired of the digs. And worse case scenario, you drink a few too many wobbly pops and punch your partner’s stupid face.
To avoid the above scenario, let’s look at communication. So what are the different kinds of communication? I’m not talking about Facebook, Twitter, Messenger, etc. Those are more often than not, forms of non-communication. Let’s look at the four forms of categories by looking at another example.
You and your partner are planning a date night. He tells you he wants to go for dinner, then go see The Avengers: Endgame at the movie theatre. You don’t really want to spend all that money, and in fact you would rather just spend a quiet night at home. How would you discuss this with your partner? Here are some options:
- Aggressive Communication – You yell at your partner, “that’s a stupid idea and we’re staying home!”
- Passive Aggressive Communication – You tell your partner, “Our society has become so consumeristic and movie theatres are so last decade.”
- Passive Communication – You tell your partner, “that sounds good”.
- Assertive Communication – You tell your partner, “I am worried about spending all that money and would like some quiet time with you at home. How about we make dinner together at home and go to the movie afterwards?”
Which option would you go with? If you chose anything other than the last option, then you need to work on your communication. Seriously.
Issues should only be brought up while Sober
This is something that 98% of the clients that come through my office failed to do. Many of the domestic incidents occurred while one or both people were intoxicated.
I get it, I get it. Sometimes it’s SO MUCH EASIER to express ourselves when we’ve drank some liquid courage, if you know what I mean. Alcohol lowers our inhibitions and it makes it easier to let down our walls and be more honest. And I DID say you have to be honest in a relationship, right? But when we’re drunk we can’t articulate ourselves in a meaningful, non-confrontational way. Or we over-react to criticism.
And if you CAN’T communicate with your partner WITHOUT alcohol, there’s a real problem there. It’s either a real problem with your relationship (lack of trust, maybe?), or a real problem with your misuse of alcohol (and you need to seriously look at that). If it is a problem with alcohol, guess what? More than likely there are resources in your area to help you address this before it starts to affect other areas in your life like your work or education, your legal situation, or your physical health (liver damage).
Be Thankful!
This one can be tough. Especially if you’ve been with your partner for a significant amount of time. You begin to get comfortable and expect certain behaviours from them. So my husband will empty the dishwasher for me in the morning after he eats breakfast, before I get up with the kids. This is something he’s always done. But I make sure to let him know that I do appreciate this action. It’s a small thing but it makes a BIG difference in how my morning flows.
Even if you feel like you shouldn’t HAVE to thank them for making dinner because they’re at home all day while you’re at work, it’s not necessarily their job to keep you fed. Appreciate the work they put in to put a delicious meal together for you. Or they take out the garbage. Or they tidy up the entryway (because you know no one wants to do that stupid job).
Treat Your Partner as your Equal
Putting your partner on a pedestal or worse yet, thinking of your partner as “beneath you” is fatal to a relationship. This ties in with what I was saying about showing appreciation. Your partner is not in your service. Yes, even in cases where your partner stays home with the kids while you “bring home the bacon”. Your partner is not beholden to you and certainly not obligated to be doing EVERYTHING in the house. This is where good communication comes in though. Talk with your partner about who is responsible for which duties around the house and stick with that plan. Maybe he/she has the bulk of the household duties but on weekends and evenings you help out with X, Y, Z.
And guess what? Your partner is NOT your “other half” and definitely does NOT complete you. You must be a whole person before you enter a romantic relationship. If you’re anything but a whole person, please do yourself a favour and just focus on yourself for a while. You can’t possibly be equal partners if the two of you make up one person.
Bonus:
And here’s a final freebie for you: don’t post your relationship ups and downs on social media. The internet NEVER forgets.
Did you like this post? Do you have any tips for healthy romantic relationships that you think I missed? Let me know in the comments!
Prairie Chick 
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